Suffering

What is it about suffering that makes us cringe, run, hide, fight, cry? The first rule of Buddhism is that life IS suffering.

It seems to me that there are different types and levels of suffering, two of which I want to address. The first is experiential suffering. The suffering that arises from an event, an accident, some external unknown that dramatically changes one life in a difficult way. A death of a friend, a hurting family member, one's own physical sickness, loss, betrayal, and disappointment.

I have spent much of my life trying to understand these events in a way that is "unattached." To look at them not in the moment but in the grander scheme of my life, my community, and my world. I thought that I could become like the saints and bodhisattvas, above this pain, that my mind could control my reaction to suffering.

I don't believe this so much any more. To suffer, to feel sadness, anger, disappointment, pain generally speaking, is human. It is us and to deny this is to deny the benefits of growth and struggle.

A second type of suffering does not come from a particular event but rather the revisiting of events or expectations about future events. It is a suffering that is not real in the present moment, a suffering that we re-live because we have not fully embraced or accepted it. Although it may sound harsh, I once heard a woman who was talking about her experience of being raped decades ago, be asked by another woman, "And how many times have you raped yourself since?" The truth was powerful and clear. We create our own suffering so much of the time.

Written more for me than for anyone else, I ask us to look at our daily thoughts, those that reach into the past or future and ask "Why?" Why am I bringing this up? How do these thoughts, fears, anxieties, regrets, old sins, and sadness serve me in this moment? My response when I am really clear is, "It doesn't."

Let us return to where we are, with whom we are, to what we are doing in the present and be. Yes, we will need time to sort through the roots of these thoughts and examine them, wrestle with them, and eventually make peace with them. But now, NOW, we should be present.

Random Act of Kindness

Today, as Santiago and I were out on a walk to pick up trash as we do about once a week, a young couple approached us and began to ask us some questions. They were visiting from Teguc. enjoying the river in La Divina. Their questions were the usual demographic and why are you here-type questions.

Then the woman surprised me. She said, "You know we were talking about how you are an example to the rest of the community. You, a foreigner, are willing to do something that the community itself is not willing to do. Your picking up trash makes people reflect on what they do with their garbage and why."

I was taken aback for a moment. I indeed did want the community to stop throwing trash on the ground and had hoped that if they saw a clean path, perhaps they would refrain from the practice. However, I didn't realize that my position as a foreigner reiterated the point.

I am glad to pick up garbage (at least for now) as it gives me a chance to chat with Santiago, it gets me outside, and we are doing something positive for the world however small and perhaps unsuccessful (in terms of long-term change) it might be. In fact, the activity gives me a sense of peace and joy. No, it is not breaking down structures of inequality or the matrix of domination that maintains suffering, but, damn it, it is something concrete that on our walk tomorrow I can smile about.

I guess I am finding that I need to have a little bit of both--critiquing practices of injustice while also offering solutions AND doing small random acts of kindness.

We plant the seeds that one day grow

The picture above is the bedroom of Archbishop of El Salvador Oscar Romero when he was murdered in 1981. The second picture is of a friend, Erick, a Franciscan friar standing in front of the late Archbishop's grave. Romero's story is a beautiful one of conversion and sacrifice for the poor. Indeed, activists throughout Latin America continue to call on his spirit for inspiration.

I do the same below, citing one of his most famous homilies.

“It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us…We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.”

What the hell am I doing here? Honduras update 6

"Ever have a moment when you wonder 'How did I get here?'"

Recently this happened to me while standing on the side of a highway waiting for the second of two buses to bring me home. The bus stop is a dirt patch at the confluence of a major highway and a road leading up into the mountains. About a half dozen chickens meander around my feet, looking for scraps of nutrition among the grass patches. All too often one ventures too close to the road and is quickly run off squawking by a roaring bus or car followed by a plume of smoke. It is an amusing sight. In addition, cattle are occasionally herded across the highway to find better pastures. Today a boy on a horse, maybe 11 years old, shuffles his dozen or so cows forcing traffic to stop impatiently. A couple of men and women gather near me and on the other side of the road also waiting for different buses. They take solace in the shade of a road sign knowing the wait will be near an hour. But I have hope that today will be different and if I look hard enough perhaps I can will the bus to come sooner.

As I stood there in the hot sun after a long day of interviews and ethnographic data collection, I wonder about all the small decisions that brought me to this place in this moment. I think of all the people who enabled me to advance academically and all of those supported along the way. I also smile thinking of all the places I could be in the world with all of the privileges I have. Yet, I have chosen to stand on a dusty corner in a forgotten part of the world sweating profusely, avoiding wandering bulls and listening to clucking chickens. Indeed, there is nowhere else I would rather be.

Life continues to be good in "La Divina." Santiago has recently learned to crawl and his mobility has created more work for us. He is also beginning to babble often saying "Dadadadada" and everybody in the community loves him especially the girls. As for Elizabeth, she will soon offer a class on pregnancy and early mothering for the women in the community. She also took a number of great photos which you can check out at the link below. Finally, my work is going well and I have enjoyed chatting, working, walking, eating, praying, and playing soccer with community members, NGO directors, religious leaders, and kids.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/creativeapps/slideShow/Main.jsp?token=181871468703%3A676527322

 

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

So what does it mean to be the change you wish to see in the world? I think it is simple. If you do not want hate around you, then do not hate. If you do not want poverty and hungry children, then share your wealth. If you want peace, find peace within yourself, in your family, and in your community.

It is easy to want the world to be better. The hard part is turning the thoughts into positive actions.

Letting Go...

I recently received a haircut only to find that some of my hair had fallen out. How could this happen to a newly minted thirty year-old?

Upon reflection, I realized that I had set myself up for something to fail. Over spring (which seemed like an extended winter) I had focused all of my attention on school and a few non-profit activities, leaving little time for myself or my relationships. I worked early mornings and would have meetings late into the evening. And I was always telling myself I should do more.

Just before the semester had ended is when I got my hair cut and realized something had to change. If that wasn't enough, I also suffered from bronchitis for two long months. My body in its infinite wisdom literally showed me that I had lost control of my own life.

What I have learned is that I have to let go. I have to let go of all of the self-imposed anxiety about school and about time. I have to let go of self-criticism condemning the greatness that I am as I am. And I have to let go of unrealistic expectations that go unmet and contribute to the downward spiral of self hatred.

I am who I am and I am going to love myself for my gifts and my faults.

And I encourage you to do the same.